Disclaimer: This guide works best for white girls from
Kansas City whose moms are willing to help them out monetarily.
Step one: Move to Spain. Live there for three years, get a
Spanish boyfriend, and decide to visit home for Christmas one year. Fly from
Madrid to Chicago, and then from Chicago to Kansas City. Have a great week and
a half hanging out with family and friends, helping your grandparents move to a
retirement home, and wishing it had snowed while you were there.
Step Two: On the morning you are supposed to go back to
Spain, your boyfriend jokingly says, “Make sure you have your passport!” as you
are loading everything into the car to go to the airport. Think to yourself,
“Hey, wait a minute, where IS my passport?” Look through your purse. Look
through your backpack. Look through your purse again. Go outside where everyone
is waiting and tell them you can’t find your passport. Ensue passport hunt
throughout entire house, car, etc. Realize that you forgot a part of step one
which is: lose your passport at some point between going through security in
Chicago and this moment.
Step Three: Since your boyfriend did not lose his passport
and has to work in two days back in Spain, go with him, your mom, and your
sister to the airport. Resign yourself to the fact that your passport is
missing, come up with theories for where it could be, how it could have been
lost, etc. Get to the airport, and ask the woman at the desk what to do. She tells
you that there is no way to get to Spain without a passport. She also tells you
that there is a passport office in Dallas (the city you were flying out of
anyway) where you can get a same day passport if you have the right paperwork.
She tells you that if you fly into Dallas early in the morning and fly out in
the evening, you should have plenty of time to get a cab into the city, get
your new passport, and get back to the airport. You believe her because you
have no other option. Just in case, you make the flight for Thursday (it is
Monday) so you can hopefully get your passport here in Kansas City and avoid
the ordeal in Dallas. She also tells you that you will only be able to check
the suitcase through to Dallas, pick it up, and recheck it to Madrid once your
have your new passport. Changing the flight only costs 159$, which you are
amazed by.
Step Four: See your very nervous, frustrated, guilty-feeling
boyfriend (who is afraid he might have your passport in his suitcase even
though he looked several times) off, and go back home. Look for your passport a
couple more times, just in case. Since it is a holiday and no government
offices are open to call and ask, do nothing else about your passport all day
except worry. Over the next two days, spend more time with friends and family,
and call every number you can think of to try to find out if your passport is
somewhere in Chicago. Make an appointment for 11am in the Dallas Passport
Agency (your flight from Kansas City is supposed to get there at 9:45am). Call
an expedited passport agency in Kansas City. They will tell you that because of
the holidays they cannot get you a new passport until next week (you work that
Monday), and none of the post offices in Kansas City are able to do expedited
passports. Gather your paperwork, and prepare to go through with the Dallas
plan.
Step Five: Wake up at 5am Thursday morning. It has snowed a
couple of inches during the night. Feel very frustrated that it couldn’t have
snowed while your boyfriend was still here, so you could have gone sledding
with him. Your mom will shovel the driveway while you make coffee and finish
getting ready to go. Get to the airport in plenty of time (the highways will
have already been plowed), and check in. Panic for a few minutes when the lady
checking you in has to ask her supervisor how to check a suitcase without a
passport. Go through security, and get on the plane without any mishap.
Step Six: The plane is supposed to leave at 8am and arrive
in Dallas at 9:45am. The plane stays at the gate for a while until the pilot
announces that they had to change a light-bulb, and that because they had to
change a light-bulb, they were rerouted, and that because they were rerouted,
they had to put more fuel in the plane. Silently freak out. The plane finally
gets to the runway, then stops again and waits as they take about ten minutes
to wash the snow off of the plane. By the time the plane takes off, it is 9am
and you have been worrying, freaking out, praying, and panicking for 59 of
those minutes. The pilot announces the plane should arrive in Dallas at
10:45am. Considering this is 15 minutes before your appointment, and that it
takes 30 minutes to get from the Dallas airport to the passport office, you are
not very happy.
Step Seven: On the flight, the man in front of you asks the
stewardess if he can move to a row further towards the front, in the hopes that
this will allow him to catch his next flight. She says yes. You mull this idea
over for a few minutes, then decide that it can’t hurt, and ask the same
question. She tells you yes, too, so you get your things and move to the front
row, right behind first class. The plane lands at 10:25am, and get off the
plane, exit the airport, leave your suitcase behind, and hop into the first
taxi you see by 10:33am. You make it to the building by 11:05am, pay the taxi
driver, and go up to the office. You wait in the first line to check your
papers. You have brought a certified copy of your birth certificate, your old
old passport (the one you had before the one you lost), a the application for a
new passport, the application to report a lost or stolen passport, your
driver’s license, and a copy, a copy of your lost passport, a copy of your
social security card (which they don’t need), and proof of travel. You get a
number. A111. They are currently serving A109, so you start to panic a little
bit less. You wait ten or maybe fifteen minutes before you are called. You turn
in your papers, pay 195$, and swear by something that all the information is
accurate to the best of your knowledge. The lady tells you that pick up is
between 2:30-3:00pm. You ask if you should come back earlier than that. She
tells you to be back by 2:00pm.
Step Eight: You go get lunch across the street and try not
to let yourself get your expectations up too high. It seems too good to be true
that your passport could be ready by 2:30pm. You finish lunch, head back to the
office, and wait. At 1:55pm, they call your name and give you your new
passport. You check the information, leave, and get a taxi back to the airport.
You feel elated that you have managed to get back to the airport a full hour
earlier than you thought you would in the best case scenario. It is now 2:45pm.
You go to bag claim in Terminal A (where you flew in). There are two bag claim
areas. You go to one, then follow a couple who you think are going to the place
you need to go to, but realize that they aren’t. You go to security and ask
where you should go. They tell you to go to the other bag claim. You do, and
they check to see where your bag is. It’s at the first bag claim area that you
just left. You go back. You ask where your bag is. The very kind, easy-going
southern man tells you that it’s downstairs because the bag claim guys saw that
your itinerary was going to Madrid, so they weren’t sure what to do with it. He
tells you that he will check your bag through to Madrid for you, so you don’t
even need to get it. You feel like this is weird, but you don’t want to argue,
and accept it. You get on the terminal link shuttle to go to terminal D, where
your next flight is. It is now 3:00pm. Your flight to Madrid is at 5:45pm.
Step Nine: Get to Terminal D and start to check in on the
automated check-in machines. Say you are checking a bag. Realize you are not
sure what to do with the bag tag since you do not actually have your suitcase
with you. Ask the man at the check in counter what to do. He tells you that you
have to get your suitcase. Explain what the bag claim guy told you, that he
would check it through to Madrid for you. The man tells you that is not
possible, that you have to go back to Terminal A, get your suitcase, and then
check in. Panic. Panic more. Resign yourself to going back to Terminal A. Get
on the shuttle, go back, and find the easy-going bag guy. Try not to explode
when he tells you “I wish I had known how to call you! My manager got really
mad when I tried to check your bag to Madrid, and she said we had to lock it up
here and hope you would come back for it! Boy, I’m really sorry!” Tell him it’s
fine, even though it really isn’t. Thank him for getting your suitcase. Run out
of the terminal and back to the shuttle to go back to Terminal D.
Step Ten: Check in, check your bag, go through security,
wonder if they will notice that your passport was issued earlier that day, feel
a little worried about how security works that they do not notice, and get to
your gate, 12 minutes before boarding begins. Get on the plane and go to
Madrid.
Congratulations. You have a new passport.
Total cost: approximately 450$, four days, and a bit of your sanity.
