As all of my readers (should) know, I live in Spain. I've lived here for more than three years. I have Spanish residency. Every year that I'm here, I think about going back to the United States. And for almost a year now, I have joked, or other people have joked with me, that if Trump wins the presidency, I probably won't go back.
Today is November 9th. Yesterday, Donald Trump became President-Elect of the United States of America. I woke up late this morning, have stayed up until almost 4am (10pm Eastern Time) trying to wait to see who would take Florida. Joaquín and I were watching a YouTube live feed of CNN and they kept repeating, "We still have to wait and see, there could still be a change, there could still be enough votes," even as the margin between them got bigger and bigger, favoring Trump. The CNN anchors did not want to believe, and that night, I didn't either. I woke up briefly around 8:30am (2:30am Eastern Time) the next morning, to see that google was reporting Trump having 266 out of the 270 electoral votes that he would need to win. I was too tired to react, and went back to sleep for a few more hours. Now, it's 12:30pm (some of my friends in the US will be waking up to get ready for work soon. We have a day off here), and Joaquín and I are eating breakfast. A few minutes ago, I cried in bed and he held me. He doesn't have the words to console me.
I face a terrible truth now, but I want to first express condolences and say, as an upper-middle class white cis-het woman, I enjoy privileges that many of my friends do not, and that countless people in the United States do not.
I am coming home for Christmas for the first time in four years, and I can afford to buy (most) of my very expensive plane ticket. For my friends who do not enjoy the privilege of financial security, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the American people have elected a president whose very win caused stocks to drop last night, and who does not care about your future.
To my friends who are black or a minority race, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the American people have elected a president who the KKK has endorsed, who does not care about Black Lives, and who has made it clear he will not be an ally to any minority community. I'm sorry we've elected a president who is hell-bent on deporting immigrants even though our illegal immigration problem has declined in recent years, and who has made threats to stop all Muslim immigration into our country, spreading the ideas of xenophobia, racism, white-supremacy, and more while he's at it.
To my friends who are in the LGBTQ community, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the American people have elected a president and Vice President who are flat-out enemies of your community. A Vice President who, in his role as Governor of Indiana, tried to get state funding for Gay Conversion Therapy, and tried to pass a law allowing businesses to discriminate against LGBTQ customers. I'm sorry we've elected a president who will push to pass a similar law federally (It's the First Amendment Defense Act if you want to look it up). I'm sorry that some of the great progress we have made over the last eight years will be destroyed.
To my friends who are women... I'm sorry. I'm sorry the American people have elected a president who... I can't even list the number of offenses he has made against women. He's been accused of rape and assault, the infamous tape, he's made no plans to protect or further women's rights, he and his Vice President have just done so much harm and are going to do so much more. I'm sorry.
I've been scrolling through my Facebook feed all morning. And I've seen the usual posts of upset, disbelief, and horror, as well as the jokes and the posts about leaving the country. I also saw a friend post that we should remember that leaving the country is another privilege. The majority of the American people cannot leave (either for financial reasons or because it is just not as easy as walking across the Canadian border, despite what some may think). In the Facebook groups I am a part of in Spain, people are frantically posting about how to achieve Spanish residency, and I am certain they mean to accomplish this. I am lucky to have such residency.
Here's where I start talking more about myself again. As many jokes as I've made and thoughts I've had about this exact situation, I'm still drawn back. I'm drawn back to the US particularly right now because my grandma is in poor health that just keeps getting worse. But I've been pulled back honestly since day one. My family is there, many of my friends are there, and frankly, my heart is still there, at least in part. But the logic stands that Spain is better in almost every way. Here, I have access to public health care. Gun violence is almost non-existent, gay marriage was legalized more than ten years ago, etc. Spain has a lot of problems, and many people probably see them as just as bad as those in the US, but I really can't understand how. They're different problems, certainly, but not like the US, not even remotely.
The fact is that I can't really relate to many of the posts I see on my Facebook feed right now. About how we need to come together and work harder to make things right. About how we need to do our part, struggle through, and prevail. I voted, even from here, but my life is here right now. I can't protect my friends or family that need it, and I can't see how we will be able to do anything with a red country, a Republican President, Vice President, Senate, and House, and soon, Supreme Court.
I know that the world still turns. I know that life goes on, but right now I'm scared for my country, and I'm scared for my own future. People here are shocked. They didn't believe Brexit could happen, but it did. When that occurred, I had my first thought that Trump could win. I am sick to my stomach realizing this new reality. I don't really remember what it was like when Bush became president. I was too young and I didn't really understand the consequences, but I have heard many people talk about how this is ten times worse than Bush was. The fact, it seems to me, is that America is broken. Maybe such an extreme showcase of that fact will be the jump-start we need to begin fixing it. Or maybe America is just broken, now for good. I hope that isn't the case, but it's going to take a while for me to feel any differently. I haven't decided yet whether I could see myself even attempting to make a life in the US with Trump as president, but if I do it will be a decision not made lightly.
I'm sure many of the Americans here in Spain and around the world are struggling with this decision now, too. For some of them, last night may have made the decision for them, but I'm sure others are struggling like me, between their old home and their new one. Do I really want to be a person who turned from her country because of its president? I can see as well as anyone else that the votes were terribly close. Half of the country still believes in the ideals I hold dear to my heart. Half of the country is reeling, like me, at the result of this election. And half of the country will strive to work towards what needs to be done, for the next election, in two years, and for the next president, in four. I don't know for sure where my life is taking me right now, but I just want my friends and family to know that I'm "here" for them, even if I'm not actually there. The world feels your pain as strongly as you feel it.
PS: I didn't necessarily want to accomplish anything by writing this. Just venting, ranting, getting some feelings out.
